You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
