I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
