We're like a lot better than the average bears
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
