Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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