I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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