just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
