I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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