People in love make me want to vomit
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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