Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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