why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize