There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
