Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize