Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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