i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
