Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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