FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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