I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
