Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
