Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
