i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
whose ass print is on the piano?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
