why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
