Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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