how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
