Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
