I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
