Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
