Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
