Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
