So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
