I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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