Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
