Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
