This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
