I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
