her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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