I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
