I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am available for nakedness
Randomize