Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
