your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize