I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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