apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
