Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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