Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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