hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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