when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
