I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
