If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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