im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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