the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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