If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
