Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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