like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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