He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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