i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
