there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
