i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
