i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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