Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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