You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize