You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
